Things I learn from Resigning from My First Long-Term Job

Yes I finally resigned. It’d been on my mind for a couple months before I finally decided, more accurately, had the guts to submit my resignation. It’s my first long-term job and I really liked it for a while. Resigning was a tough decision, but I’m glad I did and everyday I thank myself more for doing it. Looking back, I wasn’t happy in the past six months, felt so stressed and defeated; I don’t even know how I made it through and why I held on to it.

This is to record my lesson from this past few months, and also to show you that if you are having similar experiences or feelings at work, maybe it’s time to go.

  1. I am not happy.
    When someone tells you, “no one is happy at work. Do you job and suck it up.” It is FALSE. That person is only trying to make you as sad as they are. Work takes up at least one-third of your time a day, how can you stand the unhappiness, the depression, the frustration for that long on a daily basis? If you’re unhappy, something is wrong.
  2. I try to be what they want me to be and it does not work.
    So cliche but so true. When my supervisor told me that nobody liked working with me, I put really deep thoughts into it. I got defensive at first because I thought that was non-sense; then I got scared, I tried to compromise and please everyone. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t compromise at all, sometimes you do need to put yourself down a bit and cope with people around you. But being someone that is not yourself is not the move. You will never ever make everyone happy, especially when they are unhappy to begin with.
  3. I doubt myself.
    I was constantly being told that I was not capable enough, that all I did was shit. I was a senior executive but failed to even qualify as an assistant. I was so destroyed that I lost all the confidence and panicked over the tiniest things. I believed that I sucked. But seriously, why would I trust someone that’s so mean to me, that wanted nothing but destroy me, over myself? Please don’t do this to yourself. Believe yourself within reasons, and you’ll be queen.
  4. I lose focus. I am surviving, not living.
    Everything we do it life, there’s a purpose. We work to make a living but there’s more than just “work” and “living”. It started to kill me physically and psychologically because I had no time for myself, for anyone or anything. My mind was all packed with work, with doubt, with wonder, with everything that did me no good. I knew I needed time off to figure things out, figure MYSELF out.

There are a lot of people I need to thank in the past 1.5 years. Every time I felt like dying inside, there were always little angels or encouragements of some sort that came up and kept me going. However, the person I want to thank most is myself. Thank you for being tough, thank you for holding on and trying so hard to make things work, thank you for giving yourself a chance and being brave enough to make changes, and good job on finding what you don’t like because that’s the first step of figuring yourself out.

If you have done your best and have no regret or guilt, and people still do not appreciate you, you need to be the first one to give yourself credits, then move on. You deserve better in life. It’s like a relationship, you love him, he loves you, then shit happens, but you stay because you think it’ll get better, it doesn’t. It’s hard to let go because you’re used to the usual practice and the comfort zone, even though it gives you no comfort, you still want to hang on. The world is so big, you have to look further in order to go further. I cannot wait till my last day at this job, not because I hate it (I don’t, I love the job itself,) but the freedom, relief and the chance to see the world.

Advertisements

I Feel Like I’m Trying So Hard And Not Going Anywhere.

I don’t like to talk about my struggles. But today I want to force myself to look at myself.

I feel like I’m trying so hard and not going anywhere.

I work in the digital marketing field, which is very consuming and fast paced. I remember when I was so passionate about my job, when I was looking forward to every single piece of my work to be published no matter how small and subtle it was. I worked 10 hours a day minimum and occasionally during weekends and holidays if needed. I wanted to learn and grow as fast as I could.

Hard work pays off. I got promoted right before reaching the 1-year milestone with the company. Sounds great, huh?

Alright I wouldn’t say that promotion was a big deal since I’m still a small potato, but at least it was an encouragement of some sort. But then things went down hill. I started making mistakes I should have know better. I started annoying people, receiving bad feedbacks, being scolded. I started losing focus. I started being the grumpy little girl.

At times it feels like I work so much that I can’t grow, if that even makes sense. I don’t have time to think about my work quality, I don’t have time to think about myself, I don’t have time to live a life. I feel like I’m being mistaken and used. And I don’t want to and can’t blame anyone on this. I’m the only one to blame.

Time management. Initiation. Passion. Mindset. What has gone wrong?

Work shouldn’t be the only thing in life. Yet I don’t have time and energy for my family, friends and myself. AND I’m not even close to be good at what I do. Dang. That feeling when you’re like, “why am I even trying?” Ya feel me?

This is hard. It’s so hard to be realizing you have so many problems, when you thought you were excelling. I thought about quitting. Going back to school. But the problem wouldn’t be solved. Should I stick around until I get fired? I wish I had an answer.

I’m staying around just because giving up sounds really lame. Will I be quitting? Definitely, just not at this point. When I get myself and everything figured out, I’ll be leaving to somewhere that needs me and makes me feel more content. But until then, giving up isn’t an answer.

I wish someone would take my hand and tell me it’s gonna be okay.  I just want to be a happy and valuable daughter, sister, friend, employee. I just want to like myself.

Sorry today I’m a downer. At least I’ve got this little platform of my own, where I can just be myself and not care about shit. It’ll get better, right? Just tell me it’s gonna be okay.:)

10 Signs the World Is Forcing You To Grow Up

I have to say that this title makes me sound a lot more mature and “old” than I really am. I am an adult by age but by no means am I qualified as a full grown up. There are times (a lot of times) I make mistakes I shouldn’t make, where I can’t hold temper, where I get called childish… But as time goes on, apart from the physical changes, I realize many things that I was told are actually true and they finally make sense, and things that I appreciate more now than ever. I don’t know why I wanted to grow up, I don’t know why I wanted to graduate, because being an adult in many ways sucks (see, this is me being childish.) Let’s just jump right in and see what has happened to me in this process.

  1. You notice more wrinkles and freckles on your face rather than pimples.
    Well, this is basic. I think I was 19 when I noticed my first fine line underneath my right eye and I told me dad about it, and he said, “don’t worry, it’ll only get worse.” Thanks, dad. I still remember when I could make faces and not having to worry about the fine lines on my face or around my eyes. Now I laugh and get what’s called “nasolabial folds” (the laugh lines you (I) get next to your (my) mouth when you (I) laugh.)I still get pimples sometimes, but I also have freckles all the time.
  2. You “want” to workout more.
    It’s not like I actually workout everyday. But I definitely want to or at least think about working out more now. I used to go to the gym a lot in college, mostly because I wanted to be in shape. Now I want to workout because I feel the need to. I’m not as healthy and energetic; my metabolism is slow as hell. I even started doing some home and before bed exercise.
  3. You talk about pooping with your friends.
    Not entirely sure if I should get into this topic. In general, my friends and I talk about health and how to maintain a healthy body a lot more often now. Let’s just have a little example.
    Me: I haven’t pooped today. (crying face)
    Friend: Same! I’ve been eating a lot of veggies lately but I’m still not able to go everyday.
    Me: Have you heard of [xxx detox]? I wanna give it a try.
  4. People around you start getting married and having kids. On purpose.
    I’m not saying unplanned kids are unwanted, absolutely not. I have seen a lot of unplanned kids and their parents still love them to the max. But seriously, who’s NOT getting married? I was a bridesmaid of one of my best friends back over a year ago, and I was the oldest girl there that wasn’t married. Say what? FML.
  5. When the new celebrities are your age.
    I used to tease my dad about him messing up all the singers and actors; I really shouldn’t have. Now I turn the TV on and like, did this band just come out this year? No, they were new two years ago. And they are your age. K. I need to keep up.
  6. You are not the youngest in your office.
    Wait till the day you hear someone calls, “kiddo.” And you turn around just to realize they aren’t calling you. I mean, it’s okay you’re not the youngest, but you’re still doing the same duties and you make stupid mistakes and you’re ashamed and afraid at the same time. Is this even “growing up”? I can’t tell.
  7. You receive multiple bills a month.
    Do I really need to explain this?
  8. You experience goodbyes. sickness and deaths.
    I have never really been able to handle goodbyes very well. Either just a relationship goodbye or an actual goodbye when someone passes away. Fortunately I never really had to deal with deaths and funerals at a young age. I used to tell people all my grandparents were happily alive. Then all of a sudden people around me, either close or not close, got sick, and some died. And I was just there like, what? No? Why? Life is so fragile, you never know what’s gonna happen next. I am a person who needs to know what’s going on. I can watch the same movie over and over again, not because I love it, but I like the feeling of knowing what happens next. But life keeps telling me, no, you can’t always control everything. Even without the goodbyes you still can’t. Because that IS life. Suck it up.
  9. You figure you don’t know a lot of things.
    I used to want to be a very knowledgable and intelligent person. Of course I still do. But in real life, there are many people that are more knowledgable and intelligent, they have keen observations, clear thoughts and (seem to) always make the right decisions. The world is so big, you will never learn everything nor will you be the smartest person. But you can keep learning and be the best of yourself. This is one very big lesson I am learning everyday. Be humble.
  10. You appreciate family a lot more now.
    It’s not like I didn’t appreciate my family, I love them, always have. But now I’d think about my parents and get teared up a little. I realize even my little sister is more dependable than anyone. The love and care I receive from my family is unconditional and everlasting. I want to spend quality time with my family and I’m not too cool for family day anymore.

I feel so worried and scared as I make this list. It feels like I’m going through a lot but am still so green and immature. It feels like I’m trying so hard and not getting anywhere. Maybe this is a part of “growing up”? I’m not sure. Some people have been popping into my head. We met when we were young, we made mistakes together. And even though you’re not reading this right now, I wish we could have grown together, I genuinely hope life has been treating you well and that you stay true to yourself and keep your awesomeness as you grow. I miss you.