I Feel Like I’m Trying So Hard And Not Going Anywhere.

I don’t like to talk about my struggles. But today I want to force myself to look at myself.

I feel like I’m trying so hard and not going anywhere.

I work in the digital marketing field, which is very consuming and fast paced. I remember when I was so passionate about my job, when I was looking forward to every single piece of my work to be published no matter how small and subtle it was. I worked 10 hours a day minimum and occasionally during weekends and holidays if needed. I wanted to learn and grow as fast as I could.

Hard work pays off. I got promoted right before reaching the 1-year milestone with the company. Sounds great, huh?

Alright I wouldn’t say that promotion was a big deal since I’m still a small potato, but at least it was an encouragement of some sort. But then things went down hill. I started making mistakes I should have know better. I started annoying people, receiving bad feedbacks, being scolded. I started losing focus. I started being the grumpy little girl.

At times it feels like I work so much that I can’t grow, if that even makes sense. I don’t have time to think about my work quality, I don’t have time to think about myself, I don’t have time to live a life. I feel like I’m being mistaken and used. And I don’t want to and can’t blame anyone on this. I’m the only one to blame.

Time management. Initiation. Passion. Mindset. What has gone wrong?

Work shouldn’t be the only thing in life. Yet I don’t have time and energy for my family, friends and myself. AND I’m not even close to be good at what I do. Dang. That feeling when you’re like, “why am I even trying?” Ya feel me?

This is hard. It’s so hard to be realizing you have so many problems, when you thought you were excelling. I thought about quitting. Going back to school. But the problem wouldn’t be solved. Should I stick around until I get fired? I wish I had an answer.

I’m staying around just because giving up sounds really lame. Will I be quitting? Definitely, just not at this point. When I get myself and everything figured out, I’ll be leaving to somewhere that needs me and makes me feel more content. But until then, giving up isn’t an answer.

I wish someone would take my hand and tell me it’s gonna be okay.  I just want to be a happy and valuable daughter, sister, friend, employee. I just want to like myself.

Sorry today I’m a downer. At least I’ve got this little platform of my own, where I can just be myself and not care about shit. It’ll get better, right? Just tell me it’s gonna be okay.:)

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